| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|08:59 pm] |
If I could call myself content, this would be easier. Having someone else kiss me good-night would make this easier.
Feeling so lonely.
but all the lesbians seem either uninterested or smoke their lungs out |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|02:01 pm] |
Too difficult to live here any longer
feelings of depression have risen with the sun each day
showing me I am not alone
Not going back onto medication
emotions mean too much to me,
I need to be able to care when someone is abusing me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|01:24 pm] |
|
I wish that I were back in the hospital. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2006|09:52 pm] |
respect my wishes
or lead me further down the hole you'r trying to pull me out of.
it seems everyone is doing the latter |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|05:33 pm] |
I feel like a fat ugly girl.
In the mirror I see a skinny horrendously ugly girl.
I miss the old me... wish that she were back so that I might be fun to be around again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|10:00 pm] |
I love you.
So dearly, my dear, that I fear you to see me
and how
nothing
has changed.
Since it's been out in the open, and more and more people are bothering me about it, I find myself eating almost entirely soups and salads. Picking at every dish to leave the most fattening and calorie-bearing parts on the plate. My mind is a fucking mess. Moreso than before. Food is no longer enjoyable under any circumstances. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|03:29 pm] |
I wish that I had a friend to go through this with. I have friends who have gone through it, and others who are going through the opposite, but no one who can share my feelings within the moment.
I need to call someone and talk about feeling fat from eating three meals, and be able to cry about it, without a judgement being put on me. I need someone to constantly tell me that I'm not fat yet... because holy shit it certainly feels like it.
88
got asked for a date
(from a creepy man at a bus stop)
I'm hungry. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|02:09 pm] |
I'm worried of how you'll judge me and my actions.
I am no better or stronger than any fucking anorexic girl: did nothing to help myself until it was forced on me. Friends and teachers and godmothers and mothers and sisters were all worried, I did nothing.
The mind I am usually so proud of is no stronger than the weak girls' I enjoy bitching about.
I feel like all the other fucking teenagers in the world. and now when my friends, who really deserve much better than me, insult the general population of american high schoolers I will feel wholey included.
I fucking can't stand myself. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2005|08:55 pm] |
scared
tired
and I wish that there were some way to prepare for the emotional strength it will take to once again eat normally
don't ever fucking let yourself get down the hole
it sucks you in
until you're never skinny enough
pretty enough
anything enough
couldn't go to the gym tonight,
part because working out would be bad
part because seeing the scale could be dangerous
I don't want to see it at two digits |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|02:30 pm] |
I love you so much Ari.
but time, being the bitchy third friend who won't let us get together, is not on our side |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|11:19 pm] |
|
She asked if I had a goal. Of course I have a goal. We all do. and they always fucking change. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|07:58 pm] |
|
I wish that someone could come over right now, give me a hug, tell me that they care about me, and ask no questions as to why. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|07:11 pm] |
|
Truthfully, do you think I'm skinny/fat/overweight/chubby? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|10:32 pm] |
|
Don't worry about trying to help me. In case you were. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2005|10:08 pm] |
Ate
two bananas
muffin
cereal
soup
and green tea ice cream
(that's right. ICE CREAM.) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|02:30 pm] |
Little girls who can't even talk put their arms out asking to be lifted.
Cry for you to come back after you leave to go only a few feet away.
Constant hugs and no fear of crying.
Life should never change from being able to interact with people that way. If I want you to stay with me longer, there shouldn't be a feeling of embarassment or weakness left if I ask you to. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|03:26 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Rudie Can't Fail- The Clash | ] |
After a few minutes of having every entry public so that all of this can be off my chest and people can think whatever they want... I've gotten scared and am putting them back the way they were.
It doesn't really matter anyway. If you had read the e-mail, you already know. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2005|06:09 pm] |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHOOOO
things not going my way and I don't give a fuck if that means anything to anyone.
I want time to myself. Not around you or you or you or you. Not parents or sisters or strangers or other family members or neighbors or anyone who wants to talk. NO GOD DAMN TALKING. Want to see me? Fine. But no talking. I don't want to. I don't want to put any of my daily care onto you when I need it all for myself.
Call me a selfish bitch if you want. But for today, I need all of the care and love left for myself. After spending so much on other people, I feel like shit and can't stand it.
Leave me alone. No talking. No. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lease_a's journal